Not Made for Marriage: Reclaiming the Joys of Singleness
How the idolatry of marriage ruins our delight, satisfaction, and worship of God
Why are you single? I can’t believe you are not married. Why hasn’t anyone snatched you up? Are you pursuing your career? Is that why you haven’t gotten married? Are you waiting for something or someone? You just haven’t put yourself out there enough. Aren’t you getting a little too old to be single? Shouldn’t you find someone and settle down? Don’t worry-- you will find someone; most people do.
If you are single, you have heard, experienced, or overheard these statements by family, friends, and maybe brothers and sisters in the church. These statements often come from hearts that are seeking to encourage and help singles but are devoid of the truths of Scripture and make marriage an idol. Idolizing marriage makes marriage the thing that we must have in order to be satisfied or worthy.
Marriage has become an idol in the church. The definition of an idol is an image or representation of a god used as an object of worship. We, the church, have elevated marriage to the point of idolatry. We have replaced God for one of his gifts. What are the consequences of replacing God with marriage within the church? In Psalms 115:4-8 it says:
“Their idols are silver and gold, the work of human hands. They have mouths, but do not speak; eyes, but do not see. They have ears, but do not hear; noses, but do not smell. They have hands, but do not feel; feet, but do not walk; and they do not make a sound in their throat. Those who make them become like them; so do all who trust in them.”
In Psalms it says that we become like the things that we worship and trust. The Psalm describes the uselessness of the idols; they cannot see, hear, speak, feel, or walk. Those that trust in idols become spiritually useless.
What might a person or church look like who has idolized marriage? Would it not be full of envy, complaining, rivalry, dissension, discontentment, and more? Singles envy the companionship of the married. Married envy the freedom of the single. Singles complain of their loneliness. Marrieds complain of their bondage. Both wish away their season. Both avoid the other. Both are distracted by the other. Both have become spiritually useless.
When marriage is idolized, the joys of singleness are stolen and God ceases to be the point of worship and satisfaction for both singles and marrieds. When marriage is an idol in the church it is not the singles only who suffer but the church who suffers. The idolization of marriage distracts those in the church from the mission of God. We have ceased to focus on the mission (making disciples) and have placed our time and energy on our relationship status.
What if we were to assign marriage and singleness to its rightful place in our hearts? Not elevating one over the other. Would it not be true that suddenly the unmarried could lift up, care for, and even champion the married? Would it not be true that the married could look at singles and remind them of the truths of Scripture; that in their singleness there is abundant joy because they follow Jesus?
We must stop idolizing marriage and place singleness and marriage in their God given place. We must reclaim the joys of singleness and keep God as the person that we worship, delight in, and let rule our hearts. The mission of God and the building of His church are at stake.
Here are four truths that help us:
1. We are made for God and his glory, not for singleness or marriage.
“Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.” Genesis 1:26-28
From the beginning, God’s main motivation in creation was to see His glory go forth. God’s glory by definition is His magnificent beauty and character. God accomplished this by creating man in His image; he created us as beings that would not only delight in His character but also display His character. We are made for God and His glory. After creating man, God’s command to them was to be fruitful and multiply His image and glory throughout all of the earth. To be fruitful and multiply was to literally further God’s image and glory. God desired to have worshippers who delighted in Him above all else and mirrored His image throughout the whole earth so that His glory would fill all things.
So what does this mean for the single who is not yet married, was previously married, or may never be married? Or to those who are married who can never have children? How do we multiply God’s image throughout all the earth and fulfill our God ordained purpose to glorify God by being fruitful and multiplying?
Evangelism and Discipleship
It starts with knowing that we are made for God’s glory. God made us to duplicate His glory throughout the whole earth. God’s glory is ultimate, not marriage. God’s mission is the same whether married or single; that the earth would be full of worshippers that are made in God’s image and whose lives honor and glorify that image. God’s mission and our purpose is not bound by marriage and children. Marriage and children are a vessel by which God’s mission and our purpose can be accomplished, but it is not the only vessel. It is through evangelism and discipleship that God can use singles and marrieds to spread His glory throughout the whole earth.
It is the parents’ role to evangelize and disciple their children to know and follow God. Parents are to raise children in the knowledge of God and help them to obey all that He has commanded.
But singles and marrieds without children are also called to share the gospel and see others learn about Jesus and follow Him. They too must see that they are made not for marriage but to see God’s glory fill the earth as they share the gospel and disciple others, bringing about their own spiritual children.
We both, married or single, have a unique role in carrying out the mission and purposes of the Lord. We are not made for marriage or for singleness but for God’s glory.
2. Marriage is not eternal: God is.
“For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven. And as for the resurrection of the dead, have you not read what was said to you by God: ‘I am the God of Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob’? He is not God of the dead, but of the living.” And when the crowd heard it, they were astonished at his teaching.” - Matthew 22: 30-32
In Matthew 22: 23-33, the Sadducees (religious leaders) are trying to trap Jesus by giving him a proposed “scenario”. In the scenario, there are seven brothers. According to Old Testament law, if one of the brothers is married and dies without children, another brother is to marry the widow for the sake of provision of the family line and to care for the widow. In the scenario that they give to Jesus, they say essentially that all the brothers are married to the one woman and ask Jesus the question: “Whose wife would she be in the resurrection?”
Jesus’ response to their question is simple:“For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven.” Jesus responds to their scenario and question by explaining that marriage is not eternal. Marriage is a created relationship that God uses for His glory and in which to display His image.
God has always been and will always be. Marriage is a covenant relationship that God created that has a finite purpose here on earth to help us to lift our hearts to God’s greater covenant with his people.
3. There is a greater marriage between Christ and the Church.
In Ephesians 5:21-33, Paul describes the covenant relationship of marriage between man and wife. He shares their unique roles and responsibilities to each other and the Lord. But Paul does not compare Christ and the Church to marriage, as if marriage is the greater relationship. No, Paul compares marriage to the relationship of Christ and the church.
Paul’s theology starts with the greater marriage of Christ and the Church. In verse 32 Paul says “This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.” He exclaims that the mystery that is profound is not the marriage covenant, though beautiful and necessary, but the greater marriage of Christ and His church—the gospel.
Our hope should not be in the lesser and temporary covenant of marriage but in the greater and eternal covenant of marriage between Christ and the Church.
Revelation 19:6-8 says:
“Then I heard what seemed to be the voice of a great multitude, like the roar of many waters and like the sound of mighty peals of thunder, crying out, “Hallelujah! For the Lord our God the Almighty reigns. Let us rejoice and exult and give him the glory, for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his Bride has made herself ready; it was granted her to clothe herself with fine linen, bright and pure”—for the fine linen is the righteous deeds of the saints. And the angel said to me, “Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb.”
This passage refers to the marriage supper of the lamb, when Christ and His church are united forever in eternity—every tear is wiped away, death is no more, and pain is gone. This is the marriage to which we should be longing, hoping, inviting others, and waiting for.
4. Marriage and Singleness are both gifts from God.
“I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.” - 1 Corinthians 7:7
In 1 Corinthians 7:7 Paul describes both singleness and marriage as good gifts that the Lord has given. Paul calls both good. We cannot uplift one as better than the other or degrade one as worse than another. Both are gifts to be used as a way to glorify God.
Paul helps us to see that whether you are married or single is a good gift from God that is not to be envied but to be lifted up and stewarded for God’s glory. Both singleness and marriage are good gifts that God uses within the body of Christ to see His mission and our purpose fulfilled.
How do these truths help us to reclaim the joys of singleness and tear down the idol of marriage?
Knowing that we are made for God’s glory and not marriage reminds singles and marrieds that there is a greater purpose for their life than marriage.
Knowing that God is eternal and marriage is temporary reminds singles and marrieds that there is a more eternal and lasting hope.
Knowing that there is a greater marriage between Christ and the Church reminds singles and marrieds that there is a greater relationship than husband and wife.
Knowing that marriage is a good gift reminds singles and marrieds that whatever their season is they can rest in the confidence that God has given them a good gift to steward and rejoice in.
To my married friends:
I love you and your marriage. I lift up your marriage as a good gift from God that God is using to make you more like Him, further His mission, and raise up disciples. I am thankful for the example that you can set as you steward your marriage to look like the greater marriage of Christ and the Church. Thank you for reminding me of the intimacy that I can experience in Christ, the faithful, unconditional, and enduring love that Christ has for his people, and the responsibility given to God’s people to raise up the next generation of discipleship.
To my single friends:
I love you and your singleness. I lift up your singleness as a good gift from God that God is using to make you more like Him, further His mission, and raise up disciples. I am thankful for the example that you can set that Christ is enough; there is no better relationship. Thank you for reminding me that ultimate satisfaction only comes through Christ, that eternal things are greater than temporary things, and what it looks like to be wholly devoted to the Lord.
Whether we are single or married, we need each other. We need each other to remind ourselves of who God is and what it looks like to follow Him. Let us not elevate marriage over singleness or singleness over marriage. Let us look to God whether single or married, thank Him for the good gift that has been given to us and steward our season for His glory.